To The Root Of It All…


“Isn’t this a church day?

Shouldn’t we be at church?”

These are the words my 5 yr old was whispering to her 3yr old brother as I acted like I was still asleep (don’t judge…I know you do it too…lol). It’s so funny how a child can get to the root of it all with such innocence. Her two simple questions and observation that something was missing from this day was like a light bulb going off above my head. Yes, it was a church day. Yes, we should be at church but instead Momma was home, hiding from her fears, worries and embarrassment.
To The Root Of It All | MrsTeeLoveLifeLaughter.com

The Root…

Embarrassment for being the wife who is always at church alone. First during deployments, then when work was all there was and now simply because. You see, my Husband is a believer but not a church goer. He has scars that have never healed and the church building is not a place you will see him in often. So instead it is me you see sitting in the pew. The girl born and raised on the altar who marches her team of Kiddies to church every Sunday and sits – alone. The wife, woman and mother who sits there each week praying that one day it can be her whole family and not just her and her kiddies. I don’t even think I allowed myself to realize this was an issue for me until recently. I just went because that was/is was I am supposed to do. Still, this feeling of being alone may be the root of so many different things.

 

I’ve been attending this church faithfully for nearly 6 years. In between living in Hawaii, this is the church we’ve called home with the exception of signing those membership papers. Our names are not on the roll and we have never taken those few steps down that center aisle to formally become a part – to join. Each time the church doors are opened and the Pastor gives the invitation my heart says go but my fears and perhaps a little bit of my pride says I don’t wanna go alone.

 

You see I’ve never joined a church before. I was pretty much born into my home church. That is the only church I’ve ever had my name down as a member for. My grandmother helped build it (seriously, she helped build the altar…lol). So when I was born I belonged. I grew up there, I was saved there… it was my foundation. It’s as if I was automatically a member. I never had to make a choice between there and anywhere else. Yes, when I turned 18 I went through the motions of becoming a member but it was simply formality. My whole family was the church and the church was my family.

This time it’s different.

The only family I have now are my Hubby, my Kiddies and myself. I have aunts who attend but this being a larger church we never seem to be there for the same service. My hubby attends only when the kids beg him or if something special is happening. Otherwise I’m alone. ‘Til now I don’t think I ever let myself really think about it. When The Teenager was here I had someone to talk to, reflect on the service and the sermon with. Now that he’s in school it’s just me and my littles – let’s face it chatting about the day’s message usually ends up in less deep revelation and more talking about crayons and what they sang in Sunday school.

 

So every time I tell myself ‘the next time we will join’ that next time comes and I become ashamed of walking up there not as a family but as that woman with her kids. I tell myself I’ll wait – maybe he’ll start to come and we can join then. Maybe I can avoid the whispers and mumblings about ‘I wonder where her husband is. She has a ring. Has anyone ever seen him?’ The painful and at times hurtful thing is sometimes they aren’t always whispers. Sometimes I hear and other times I am even asked directly. I am always quick with my pre-made replies: He works. He was tired. He is military. He comes when he can.

 

Yet when I walk away, when I get home, that’s when the discouragement sets in. I become down on myself. I don’t want to go at all. I start skipping days…weeks. I don’t place a lot of value on the actual going. I believe your relationship is with God not a building yet I know not going isn’t the example of a wife who wants to draw her husband. Instead with the discouragement, I begin to take on his habits. I stay home. I’ll go next week. We need time together. It’s just another day. I choose to shelter myself in the safety and comfort behind my closed doors. Then I begin to notice that I’ve stop moving forward, stopped growing.

Things need to change…

So today my daughter’s words rang in my ears. They echo there even now as I type this post. What is the root of it all…? The why behind my not going and more so my not joining? I still don’t want to join alone but I don’t want to simply attend anymore either. I want my ministry to have a place of rebirth and for that I need a covering a leadership that will support me. I want to be a part of something not simply an onlooker or spectator.

 

To do this I need to move forward and know that God will be there beside me as he always has been. I need to trust the promises I’ve heard in my late night prayers that he will bring my family together. One day, whether in my timing or not my Husband will be there but until that time comes I still need to be the woman and follower that I know God has called me to be.

 

There may still be days when my fear, embarrassment and pride get the best of me but I’m praying the strength to overcome and get past it. For myself but for my family as well.

 

Have you ever allowed fear, embarrassment or pride to hold you back from a decision?

How do you move beyond yourself to make new steps in your life?

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Tiffany is the ‘ Tee’ behind TheMrsTee.com - a Lifestyle Blog created as a place to share her love of all things Faith, Family, Fashion, Food, Fun, Tech & Travel. Tiffany has established her influence within both the Blogging and Vlogging Communities. Tiffany has extended her presence beyond her URL to Television as a Panelist for the MomsEveryday TV Show for 2 Seasons and to the stage as a Cast Member of the Finale Season of The Listen To Your Mother Show. A 2016 VOTY Award Honoree, Contributing Author with iBlog Magazine and BlogHer.com growing herself as a Brand and Influencer are always at the center of Tiffany’s passion.
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Tiffany is the ‘ Tee’ behind TheMrsTee.com - a Lifestyle Blog created as a place to share her love of all things Faith, Family, Fashion, Food, Fun, Tech & Travel. Tiffany has established her influence within both the Blogging and Vlogging Communities. Tiffany has extended her presence beyond her URL to Television as a Panelist for the MomsEveryday TV Show for 2 Seasons and to the stage as a Cast Member of the Finale Season of The Listen To Your Mother Show. A 2016 VOTY Award Honoree, Contributing Author with iBlog Magazine and BlogHer.com growing herself as a Brand and Influencer are always at the center of Tiffany’s passion.


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20 thoughts on “To The Root Of It All…

  • Jamie

    Awwwww, your post breaks my heart. One thing I'm wondering…. is your church a very welcoming, loving, friendly church? I attend a small church of about 300 members, only about 100 or so attending each week. We all know each other. I spend time visiting with other members, and we have become a true family. We really love each other, and there are no feelings of embarrassment (unless someone accidentally toots…..). We have women who attend who are married, and their husbands won't come. Even women with young children. We don't look down on them, or pity them, we love them, just as we do anyone else. I don't know how your church is, but I would suggest finding a small church so that you would feel like it really mattered if you were there. With such a large church, it seems you might never be missed if you don't go one or 2 weeks. Also, get involved with a group of people, maybe start helping with the young kids. It's a way to be involved, get to know other people, and your kids will love it. Please don't take anything wrong. Maybe you really do love your church and church family. But from reading what you've written, I feel like you are lonely there. Trust in God, remain in His Word every single day, and talk to Him often. God bless you, and I hope things work out for you! One day, your husband will go back. Have faith in that. 🙂

    • MrsTee Post author

      Hi Jamie! my church is on the larger side with 2 services a day so it can be hard to connect one on one at times because different people go to different services. It also may not help that I don\’t go to either consistently. There are times when due to my Hubby and his work we have family days so I may go to an early service for a few weeks then switch to the later service a few other weeks. I have a few women I talk with and interact with but I don\’t think any of them know my concerns (unless they find my read my blog..lol). That\’s just it: I don\’t feel I am missed at all. My family church was very small and if you skipped or missed 2 weeks you got a call, visit or something. I guess I miss that a bit…the concern. My kids are involved a bit in the youth departments but I just haven\’t taken that step yet myself. You\’re right though it may help. I am definitely praying, reading, studying and seeking God for strength and guidance in this situation. It has been answered somewhat because I mentioned this post to my Hubby and he said he had no idea. He has offered to join and attend with me in a month or so (he is training for work) so maybe a change in season is coming. Thank you so much for your advice, encouragement and support 😀

      • Jamie

        You are so welcome! I started working in our youth dept about 3 years ago so that I could be more involved with my son, and see that he was more involved. I have really seen an improvement in my walk with the Lord, and it's to a point now where we practically live at church (well, it seems that way LOL). We are there Sunday AM and PM, and Wednesdays. The guys practice guitar on Thursdays, and the ladies do crafts. Not that you have to "live" there, but I'd find a smaller church with more of a sense of community if that is at all possible. God bless you!!

  • Mrs.AOK

    I can totally see how this situation could make you feel a little uneasy, because people talk. I say let them talk, if the reason to be there is to learn and praise, that's exactly what they need to be doing! I've been to many churches, so yes I know there are gossipers but that's not what church is supposed to be about. I think it's courageous of you to take the kids alone and stand tall in your beliefs.
    I do not go to church, I have my own issues, but I have provided my children with knowledge on different religions. If they wanted to go to church, which we've asked, we would take them, my eldest has actually gone with her friends in the past.
    I fully agree you can praise from home, but if you want to praise at church there is no shame in standing their with your babies 🙂
    XOXO
    My recent post Blogging Is Like Dating

    • MrsTee Post author

      Thanks Hun! I have a hard time ‘letting people talk’ because even though I put on a solid strong front…I’m kinda sensitive and things get to me way more than they probably should. I am definitely trying to work on that a bit more because you’re right there is no shame in my being there alone…thanks so much! xoxoxo 😉 *20 days*

  • deliberatemom

    Oh wow. I loved this on so many levels. I am a devout churchgoer and I attend alone (my husband is not a believer). I've often thought, should I take the membership class? Should I make it official? But then I hesitate because I want my husband to be part of that.

    Sometimes fear does keep me from doing things. I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability here. Thank you.

    Thanks for sharing (and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop).

    Wishing you a lovely weekend.
    xoxo

    My recent post SHINE Blog Hop #17

    • MrsTee Post author

      Thank you so much. It can be really difficult to feel as if your house is divided. I am always running the scenarios through my mind where my Hubby decides to come. I can say after I told him about this post he actually said we could join as a family in a few months!!! Talk about sending up a praise 😀

      I think the best thing both of us can do is stay consistent and be the examples of what we desire for our husbands…xoxo

      Thanks so much for hosting such a wonderful hop and always taking the time to come by…

  • balmtomysoul

    Yes, Mrs. Tee, I have let embarrassment hold me back I know I need to face my fears and I am working on it wholeheartedly now. It is funny how easy it becomes to hide and not face those things that are difficult. I know I do it all the time, even in friendships. I hide myself, and then leave feeling just a little bit empty. I think you are brave to go forward and keep trying, even when you feel divided. Good luck. I know your prayers are heard.
    My recent post Peach Pudding Cake

    • MrsTee Post author

      Hiding is definitely a lot easier than admitting your fear or even your pride has gotten the best of you. That emptiness is definitely a cue that it may be time to face it…I am so grateful for the wake up moment and for answered prayers. Thank you so much for your encouraging words and support.

  • Angela

    Wow have I ever let fear, embarrassment, and pride hold me back. I'm kind of at my own crossroad with going to church. Like your husband I fully believe in God with a doubt. I think of myself as a spiritual person but someone very conflicted with the idea of religion. However, the three churches I have attended in my adulthood I've felt were great churches that I should work towards becoming a part of. In fact my new school year resolution was to start going to church at least twice a month. I actually have a post labeled my Conflict with Religion that sits in the draft section of my blog.
    My recent post In and Out of Bubbles

    • MrsTee Post author

      I think we all have at some point but it’s in the realizing it that we conquer them I think. I need to make a goal like that for myself! Thanks so much for coming by Angela-your encouragement is very appreciated.

  • batteredhope

    I agree with everyone who commented here as well. More people than you can imagine have gone through or are now going through this same scenario. It is nothing to beat yourself up about – just give it time. If it is this particular church that offended your hubby, would he go with you if you attended elsewhere? As everyone said, your relationship first is with God and God alone sees your heart. Try not to dwell on hubby not being there and get involved in whatever capacity you can — it will bring a refreshing.
    My recent post 9 Lies We Tell

    • MrsTee Post author

      Thanks so much Amy! You\’re right I know there is a place for me and I think I may have been holding myself back more than anything. I am so grateful for those you encourage freely…thank you!

  • Michelle Westbrook

    Thanks for linking up the the Bloggers Brags Pinterest Party! Your post has been pinned to the Bloggers Brags Pinterest Board.

    This is a really great post and I can totally relate! There are many things I want to do but don't out of that fear of "what will people think of me". It's so easy to say, Get over your fears and just do it. But know God is on your side helps.
    My recent post 3 Things That Are Guaranteed to Make Me Smile

    • MrsTee Post author

      Thanks for hosting and pinning Michelle!

      Thank you, fear can be such a hinderance and barrier to what our true potential is. I am praying to move beyond it and embrace God\’s faith in me.

  • Candace

    You are so right when you say: "God will be there beside me as he always has been." He will lead you to the action you are wanting to take. He has already put the seed in your heart. I feel your pain on this issue. We are very rarely sitting in a pew Sunday mornings even though I know God wants me there. I got upset with some things that happened within my church and let pride stop me from what I know I need to be doing. You are doing something very right if your daughter knew it was a church day and felt "off." My daughter won't even go with us on the rare occasions we show up. She's 20 and I didn't raise her consistently enough in a church family. We "church-shopped" most of her life. Sorry to get so long winded here. I just wanted to encourage you that you are not alone, Tiffany :)!
    My recent post DIY House Art in PicMonkey

    • MrsTee Post author

      Hi Candace! He truly has and I think if I learn to remember that things won\’t be as hard emotionally. You\’re right, I should be thankful that she knows where we should be – sometimes I feel like our not having a true church home has had an impact on them but perhaps this proves my efforts were not in vain. Issues in a church can be very real and painful. That is part of why my husband does not attend. I always try to remind myself that I am there to hear and be closer to God and so is everyone else. We all need Him. I am sure your daughter still knows who her source is and where to go when she needs strength, there are times they have to find God on their own but I know whatever foundation you gave her that seed is there as well. Thank you so much for sharing your story and offering encouragement through your words Candace, I truly appreciate them both.