Mother’s Day for me has always been a bit of a …hmmm…I don’t want to say struggle but I guess that is the best word that would apply. If you know anything about me, you know I was raised by my Grandmother. Having Kids of my own has definitely given me the courage to try and save my Mother’s Day with my own Mother. Becoming a Mother myself my kids saved my Mother’s Day by giving me a way to change the path of my journey not only as a Mother but with my Mother.
As a child, when I would go to my Mother’s home the atmosphere was so different than what I was used to I never knew how to act. The absence of the Mother to Daughter moments in my life – the ones my sisters were able to experience on a daily basis – were tangible to me. I could feel the void in my relationship with her and it was painful and awkward. I would always leave her home feeling left out and at some point I decided I was better that way. Better off as an outsider than trying to fit in where I didn’t belong.
As an adult I tried to stay in contact, connected, but still that bonded feeling was just absent or maybe insufficient. Every attempt to make our relationship more than just a friendship was strained and uncomfortable. Maybe I should have tried harder? I’m not sure. I’m 35 and I’m still not sure. Recently my Mother reached out to me and told me she wishes she could have been the Mother I deserved. Why now? I’m happy. I’ve accepted what our relationship will not be.
On top of everything, what does that mean? The Mother I deserved? My Grandmother was that person I went to when I was sad, lost, confused, or just in need. Wasn’t that the Mother I deserved? If so, how do you incorporate a Mother who wasn’t there in those ways? I’ve never wanted to push her away I just wanted to stop fighting for my place, I wanted to be drawn to her not squeezed in. It was tiring and once I had my Kids I decided to stop fighting to be a daughter and instead focus on being a Mother.
I was a Mother. I had a brand new chance. I could be the Mother I wanted for so long. I could give them what I felt was missing. Still every year with Mother’s Day comes these feelings. The what should I say, how should I act confusion. Should I call, mail a card…what?
My day is always full of love, kisses and smothering by my Hubby and Kids yet when it comes to offering that to my own Mother it just doesn’t come. At least not naturally. Does this make me a bad person? A bad daughter? I’m not sure. I hope not. I pray not.
So I will try for the sake of my kids. Why? Because she’s still my Mother, she is their Grandmother and it deserves the effort. Doesn’t it? I need to breach the gap and create the bond if not for myself at least with them. This is How My Kids Saved My Mother’s Day. They have given me a reason to keep trying and not simply give up. After all Mother’s Day is for Mothers.