In a perfect world family would be forever. No issue would go unresolved and no hurt could break that bond. Yet this isn’t a perfect world and we aren’t perfect people. We have faults: anger, spite, jealousy, envy. We inflict wounds and at times those wounds don’t always heal. They leave the kind of scars that make family ties hard to keep and at times – better to be broken.
But You’re Family!
I know what you’re probably thinking. Why and how would breaking the ties of family be good – for anyone? I only say this now after finding myself in circumstances where it became my only healthy option. Family has the ability to cause a pain like no there. They are the ones who know you the best, know your strengths but also your weaknesses.
That knowledge is power that isn’t always used wisely. When it isn’t it can lead to hurt. Hurt that seems like it has no end. Still, when you finally find your way out of that hurt you may need to make a tough decision. It’s only after making it beyond that hurt that I’ve realized even family has seasons.
Forgiven But Not Forgotten
You guys know me. You all know I grew up in the church. I was raised with the belief that all things can be forgiven and forgotten. They can be and always should be. Yet living under that belief left hurt and scars that still hinder me as an adult. I felt I could never expect an apology – it was my obligation to forgive whether the person changed their ways or not.
Forgiveness is something that is always best at times more so for the forgiver than the forgiven. I still believe this. That being said forgiveness does not always mean the relationship should remain. Or that the ties should stay in place.
As I grew up, I realized that the people who hurt me the most are those who were closest to me – family. I also had to accept and understand that in certain situations releasing myself from the obligation to keep them in my life was healthiest for me.
I must admit much of this insight (for lack of a better term) didn’t happen until I became a parent. In the moments when I began to see the hurt of my childhood passed on to my own children, I realized the cycle needed to end.
It was a cycle that started with my own mother and passed on to me. I don’t think she realized that letting go of people – even family – could bring things to a much-needed close. Once I had that ‘aha moment‘ I refused to let the hurts and pains of my own past continue to my children. Despite efforts to force changes in relationships, situations and people I understood that untying those bonds was the only way to bring things to a close.
Was it easy?
No. Not at all. I missed them. I missed the habit of the relationships. The familiar. Yet I knew this change was one I needed in order to allow my children to grow up without the shadow of past drama and history.
The family I chose to remove from my life may not fully understand my choice. In part because they never accepted the responsibility for the situations which brought me to the decision.
Yes, I Still Love
Leaving them to their own lives doesn’t lessen my love for them. It simply means that I love myself and my children enough to move forward. It means that I’ve accepted the fact that some situations and people just don’t (or at times – can’t) change. In those times it’s needed for the pattern to change. For me that pattern was the one of continuously forgiving, over looking and discounting actions simply because they’d always been that way.
In the future, I plan to teach my children that whether someone is family or friend making the choice to remove yourself from relationships that are not helping you grow is a choice and right you have and one you should have no fear in using.
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Lifestyle Blogger & Media Influencer at IT's Me, Tee
I am the ‘ Tee’ behind It's Me, Tee an award-winning Lifestyle Blog where I share my love of all things Faith, Family, Fashion, Food, Fun, Tech & Travel.
“Believe in yourself, your passions, and your dreams. Your voice is unique - build on that. Embrace what is different about you and make it your greatest asset!”
“Believe in yourself, your passions, and your dreams. Your voice is unique - build on that. Embrace what is different about you and make it your greatest asset!”
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I’m working on forgiving and it’s extremely difficult but I have to keep reminding myself that my forgiveness will also bring me peace
It definitely can be difficult but like I wrote in a another post forgiveness is sometimes more for you than the other person. It allows you to free up the space of that hurt and anger to replace it with the good that happens after forgiveness. I’ve never held my forgiveness from these family members I simply made the choice to remove myself from the place where the hurt could continue.
I can definitely relate to this because I made the decision a few years ago to cut ties with family who had caused me pain. Initially it was hard and I felt unsettled about it. Almost tortured internally. Last year I came to realize that I hadn’t forgiven this person and that was the reason why I was so unsettled about it. I had to come to a place mentally where I was okay with the fact that I would never receive the apology I deserved. Then one day I just called her up and told her that I forgave her and I’m okay knowing that she’ll never apologize. Of course she was more than willing to leave the past in the past. I still decided to keep her out of my life. Because I know the pain she has caused me and others, and she’ll never have a chance to inflict that kind of pain on my children. But I felt so much better after I forgave her. I feel free and I don’t even think about her or the situation. It’s all behind me, and that’s where it will stay.
Hi Latoya! I’m so happy you can find something in common with this post! It took me a bit of time to even decided to share but I did because I knew I’m never alone in my struggles or victories. Releasing people from your life is never an easy decision but most times it is for the best. Forgiving them first is definitely a big part of making it easier. I’m so happy you found your ability to forgive and the freedom that came with it! xoxoxo Thank you SO much for coming by and sharing a bit of your story with me!
Sometimes friends are much better than family. In my situation, that’s how it is so I totally understand.
That can be true at times . . . thanks so much!
I can love them a distance, I don’t have to hate people, but I don’t need them in space. Growing up I was never taught that. As an adult, I had to learn that my peace of mind was everything. Just because someone is older doesn’t make them right. Wrong is wrong, family or not.
Exactly. Distance doesn’t mean hate at all. It simply means keeping things healthy. I agree – my peace of mind and my kids emotional stability are my top priorities! Man, you just spoke – all so true! Thanks so much for coming by with such great insight Mimi!
I respect your decision to preserve your emotional health.
Although I’ve never had to cut off a family member, I’ve had people who are “like family” that I no longer deal with.
My Mom says you have to “feed some folks with a long handled spoon.”
Thank you Joyce. Yes!! Distance is sometimes a must . . .
Great perspective. I love that you continue to love them, just from a distance.
Thanks so much Malini! Yes, it seems to be the best for us all right now.
This is a great post. Forgiveness is really important but you don’t have to forget. I belive you can love people from far. You don’t have to be close or in each other space you can just respect each other. Remember always to protect your energy.
Thanks so much Sue! It’s not an easy decision to come to but given the circumstances it has definitely been the right one.
This is a great post, and brings up a conversation that is often not discussed. Forgiveness is important, but it doesn’t mean letting someone have the opportunity to hurt you over and over again. Sometimes it means forgiving them but also cutting them out of your life. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks so muh Kate! You Got It! That’s exactly what I am trying to share – forgiveness is key but it doesn’t mean you need to become someone’s doormat. That was not God’s intent. Thank you so much for your words and presence . . .
This is a great post. I think that forgiveness is really important, but you are right in that that doesn’t always mean that you need to hold onto relationships that are really toxic.
Thanks Mary! It is and most times it’s enough but when the damage continues unfortunately choices have to be made. Thanks so much for coming by Mary – I truly appreciate it!
I can resonate with this post. I grew up in a bog family too. We all lived together. And they are the ones who hurt and disappointed me the most. Even though they might even not know. But today I don’t choose to have relationships just because someone is “family” I have them with people who love me and help me grow and vice versa! 🙂
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I’m so touched that this reached you Tanvi! Having a big family presents an entirely new set of issues at times that I think many just don’t get. I’m with you – only what helps me grow! Thanks so much for coming by!
Wow this really touched home! Family can really Tera you down when they are meant to lift you!
They really can!